The Last Waltz

Chapter 38: The Last Waltz

“Here to join us for the Last Waltz?”- Captain Edmund Blackadder

The following is a transcript of the final interaction between the Time Lord known as the Doctor and the Valeyard. We remind those who have forgotten about Chapter 15, that these two individuals are the same individual from alternate possible timelines. The former is the from ours, and the latter… we still have no confirmation on whether or not he is from our time line, but we assume he isn’t. Complex time travel is known to hurt the brain.

Location: The Cells of Rassilon, Gallifrey.
Background: The room is a mess yet it appears that there is a method to the mess. The movie Jesus Christ Superstar is playing in the background, currently at the 1:32:54.

(Enter the Doctor)

Valeyard: Ah, good morning. Or is it evening?
Doctor: You damn well know what time it is.
Valeyard: Oh, temper, temper. Now, what is it you want?
Doctor: You know what I want.
Valeyard: No, I don’t.
Doctor: Yes you do.
Valeyard: I have no idea what your- you think I’m lying about not having a Time War in my past.
Doctor: Well, you are.
Valeyard: And how do you know that?
Doctor: One, because I can see the scars of the war in your eyes.
Valeyard: And two?

(The Doctor Pauses)

Doctor: It’s what I would’ve done.
Valeyard: Oh, right. Right. We are the same person af-
Doctor: WE ARE NOT THE SAME!

(The Doctor throttles the Valeyard)

Valeyard: Ack! Ack! So, what do you want?

(The Doctor lets go)

Doctor: The High Counsel wishes to know if-

(The Valeyard Laughs)

Doctor: What’s so funny?
Valeyard: Nothing, nothing, just looking at the irony of it all. Please, continue.
Doctor: As I was saying, the High Counsel wishes to know if the Daleks are planning any more attacks.
Valeyard: Do the Time Lords want to know this info, or do you want to know it?

(The Doctor glares angrily at the Valeyard)

Doctor: Romana herself ordered this interview.
Valeyard: Ah. Tell you what, Quid Pro Quo.

(The Doctor is annoyed by this notion)

Doctor: Fine, but no lying.
Valeyard: I’ll try to make it up to you if I do.
Doctor: Now, answer my question.
Valeyard: Very well, the Daleks aren’t planning anything any time soon. Then again, my knowledge isn’t all that useful.
Doctor: And why-
Valeyard: Ah, ah, ah, Quid pro quo.
Doctor: (under breath) raza frazen razen.
Valeyard: Right, what happened to our granddaughter?
Doctor: Grandau- that human girl who followed me around during my first regeneration?!?
Valeyard: Yes, that one.
Doctor: She’s fine. In fact, she’s right outside the room. Now what did you mean by-
Valeyard: Ah, ah, ah. Still have one more question
Doctor: But I answered your question!
Valeyard: Yeah, but you asked 2.
Doctor: No I… that doesn’t count.
Valeyard: Yes it does.

(The Doctor pauses)

Doctor: Pants!
Valeyard: Now then, where is your TARDIS?
Doctor: I’m not telling you!
Valeyard: Then I’m not going to answer any more questions.

(The Doctor pauses to think about whether or not he wants to know anymore from the Time Lord before him, and then he smiles)

Doctor: Turn left out of this room and it’s at the second right. Why?
Valeyard: I plan to use it to escape. Where do you keep the keys to it?
Doctor: Bu- FUCK! Left pants pocket. Now, Why did you say that your knowledge isn’t useful?
Valeyard: Because I didn’t fight the same time war as you’re fighting now. Is Susan a Galefreyan or a Time Lord?
Doctor: She’s human why does that matter? FUCK!

(The Valeyard pauses)

Valeyard: Because she’s our granddaughter.
Doctor: No she isn’t. She just called herself that to keep up appearances.
Valeyard: You sure?
Doctor: Of course I’m sure. Now then, what did you mean by this isn’t the same Time War you fought in?
Valeyard: ((To himself) Catching on pretty quickly) In my Time War, a Time Lord who didn’t fight in it did.
Doctor: The Draftdodger?
Valeyard: Not yet, first my question: what do we do with a Time Lord with an angel in their eye?
Doctor: Snap their neck.
Valeyard: No. When did Susan get into the Time War?
Doctor: About a few weeks ago. Sweet Rassilon, what is with your obsession wit- I see you’re trying to get me to ask the wrong questions aren’t you? DAAARH!
Valeyard: No, I’m not, I’m genuinely asking you these questions. If I were to waste you’re time, I’d ask something like “Are the Time Lords going to win the war?”
Doctor: HA! OF COURSE WE’RE GONNA WIN! AND AFTER THIS WAR IS DONE, BY RASSALON, WE WILL SPREAD OUR MIGHT ACROSS THE UNIVERSE! Now then, who fought in your war that doesn’t fight in mine?
Valeyard: The Valeyard.

(A silence permeates the room)

Valeyard: Do you want to know how?
Doctor: Yes.
Valeyard: Early in the war, before we knew it was all over, before the tide turned against us after we were betrayed, he rose up the ranks. With bloody battle after battle, killing more of our men then Daleks or Autons or any of the other menaces out there. And the Time Lords kept having him rise through the ranks in fear of him being against them. They even gave him a gift: me. He would spend his nights doing things to me. Things that- well, let’s just say when the Daleks came and exterminated him I begged them for death. And they looked at me, and said no.

(There is an awkward silence)

Doctor: Dear Rassilon, this room is a mess. What have you been doing in here?
Valeyard: Oh, you know, thinking about my past, practicing my Venusian Aikido, watching movies.
Doctor: Wait, Wa-
Valeyard: HI-YAH!

(The Valeyard KO’s the Doctor, takes the TARDIS keys out of the pocket, leaves a note for him, and exits the room. When he exits the room he grabs Susan. She is rather concerned about her predicament they head left out of the room)

Susan: GRANDFATHER! HELP!
Valeyard: Be quiet Susan. I am your grandfather.

(They pass the first room on the right. Susan steals the keys from the Valeyard’s pocket)

Susan: Not anymore!
Valeyard: Fine, but if I don’t get out of here, they will kill you for his crime.

(They turn right… into an area filled with Weeping Angels)

Valeyard: Oh that LYING SON OF A-

(Later, the Doctor awakens and reads the following note)

Note: Dear Doctor,

If you’re reading this note, then I assume the Venusian memory trick worked, and you remember who Susan really is. You also probably figured out that I lied about my Time War. As penance, I shall keep Susan safe.

Best regards,
Valeyard

PS: Could you shave that beard? It makes you look too much like the Master.

(The Doctor crumples up the note and runs to where he tricked the Valeyard into going. At a crossroads, the Doctor tearfully smiles at Susan as she is lying on the ground. The Doctor wakes her up.)

Doctor: Hey Susan.
Susan: Grandfather?
Doctor: What happened?
Susan: The Valeyard grabbed me and lead me the Weeping Angels room. And when he realized what was going on, he bolted. And they gave chase. All except one. He just smiled at me. And when I blinked, he was gone.

(The Doctor begins to cry.)

Susan: Are you all right Grandfather?

(The Doctor hugs his granddaughter.)

Doctor: Oh granddaughter, I thought I lost you.
Susan: You remembered.
Doctor: Why would I forget you, of all Time Lords?

(And they hugged for like what seemed like forever. It felt like they could be with each other for as long as they lived. They were happy.)

Susan: Four.

(The Doctor, horrified by this world looks into the eyes of the confused Susan, and sees an Angel in there.)

Susan: What’s wrong?

(The Doctor fails to hide his sadness as to what has to happen next)

Doctor: Nothing, just… close your eyes and hold me.

(She complies and, as he has his hands on her head he whispers something into her ear)

Doctor: I love you.

(Snap.)